My friends, this campaign is nearly over. When it is done we will choose our future, the future of our country, and the mass conception of how our citizens, specifically our lesbian citizens will be regarded and whose spirits are held within our hearts and minds. And if we fail...we may never see the glorious beaver being violently bumped by another hungry female on premium cable ever again.
Chaiken, you're losing me, babe, and I speak on behalf of my discerning girlfriend on the couch, though separately. Your writing this season sucked, and not in the good way. I repeat...SUCKED, not in the good way. The entire foray into the Les Girls production was so nonsensical and patently ridiculous as to not to be believed on any intellectual level. How can you attempt to put forth characters that are so artistically and intellectually evolved and have them perpetrate such childish and juvenile behavior?
Dawn Denbo and her lover Cindy. Very mature. Realistic. Human. ???
The usual mechanations and character/relationship arcs were all rather slipshod and forced, all suffer in my eyes, my eyes reflecting moist vagina, symbolizing nothing. It speaks and stinks of love and passion, but I ain't feeling it.
Likeability/ Doability factors do not give my disappointment sufficient justice, perhaps I will lean towards a more typically male objectivity for convenience sake. Nothing put forth this season succeeded in getting me "hot" if in fact that was the show's purpose.
ALICE: 6/7
Alice's standing as the "Girly" partner in the relationship with the sullen butch Tasha did not disappoint. Occasionally she did look rather sexy, marked with some diva-type behavior. Her further rise in the multimedia field from grossly over-hyped Podcasts (Does anybody watch these things?) to resident gay expert on the excrable daytime lady show "The Look" was inexplicable. It only served as an end to a means to make her career Alice's new focus. While she does not have the courage to tell Tasha to her face that she doesn't like her friends or her future career in law enforcement, a simple bit of honest betrayal will occur next season when she consummates with Clea Mason. Points for that.
BETTE: 2/3
No doubt Jennifer Beals believes strongly in the show's message and percieved importance, otherwise she would not subject herself regularly to scenes of really bad soft pornography. Granted she has a no tit clause, but the seriousness of the intimacy is delivered very strongly. Heartfelt, yes, turn on, HELL NO! The intensity of the sex scenes I can only imagine Condoleeza Rice her equal in ether-laced eroticism. Not for the squeamish.
This intensity of hard lesbo fucking is standard for Bette who is so high strung and conflicted no one but Tina should come near her. Future sperm donors, beware of this woman!
HELENA: 6/8
Relatively high marks for Helena, absence makes the loins grow fonder. That and a few prison cell bumps with Dusty. Squelching her self piteous behavior and purebred poodle minstrations, prison made her see the light, I wish all L-Word characters the same, especially Jenny.
JENNY: 1/3
Oh dear. What happened to that reformed girl from season 2? An impetuous Yoko '69 cut and a sense of artistic self-importance to match. But this Yoko thinks she's John...and she ends up being Pete Best(ed). Ha. Here is where reason finds no purchase as much of her fate is undeserved. She did not deserve getting a film deal, becoming a director, being replaced by her neophyte assistant or being betrayed by On-the-rebound Shane. On second thought, I believe Jenny said Nikki was "dead to her." Luckily, Nikki didn't fall off the balcony, panties down. Shane would have been really messed up, while Jenny is such a narcissist, she'd be too busy blaming Shane to be heartbroken over it. Thanks for the cop-out Chaiken, you missed a beauty there, an obvious plot device, yes, but a better issue of conflict than the one you ended up with.
JODY: 3/3
I hate to state the obvious, but deafness is not Jody's only handicap. Bette not liking her CRAAZY artist friends, witholding sex and talking with her back turned were quite obvious signs she wasn't feeling you. Then, you're gonna beg to get back in her life? Grow back your Lesser God chops and get a pair. Another nice cop-out by Chaiken for building up Jody's big "Bette is a Cunt" piece. We expected a toilet named Bette Port-Hole ala Duchamp, or a cast-iron vagina with teeth. A deaf artist doing sound-video installation for the first time? Yeah it looked and sounded like it. Really bad. Good luck at your next art show...in Nebraska.
KIT: 6/4
Good for her not going all Foxy Brown, avenging angel on them She-Bar Bitches. They had it coming. And for staying sober, not selling her share of the Planet, and calling Bette out on her endless bullshit. Strong woman without need for long exposition. She does however, need some man-action. Chaiken, you just decided to ignore Kit this season. Shame!
MAX: 8/3
Max's character was progressively relegated to second tier. He would not have appeared in the last few episodes at all if not for his sexual relations with Jody's interpreter. The issue of transgender presence on a lesbian program and being blown off by Alice in general were abandoned without debate or resolution, comparable with several abandoned Sopranos plotlines. No more sex scenes with Max, please, I'm sorry, but I just don't want to see it, OK, dude?
MOLLY: 2/6
PHYLLIS: 5/3
Why is it so important for the Shepherd clan to establish cred in the lesbo community? Which brings me to wonder if there really is an explosion of lesbian Renaissance activity in the SoCal region. I can appreciate Phyllis stumbling into the lifestyle by accident, but Molly? I suppose it was the charm of Shane. Yes, that's it. Charm, tolerance and weakness. Still, the breakup was well played. Good luck in law school. (Another ludicrous plot device, yeah I can just smell the genius on this one:)
Phyllis gets points for generally proactive resolutions in the finale. Get tight with your lawyer friend, finish your divorce, lay down the law on Molly and move the fuck on with (the remainder of your hopefully off camera) life.
SHANE: 9/6
Certain things about Shane are just unexplainable. She does some fucked up things with relationships, no doubt, but she is a great great friend. Throughout the middle of the season we saw Shane try to self-examine herself and find answers, but none were found. She was broken down by the relentlessly curious and TRENDY Miss Molly and Shane played herself true to form. Shane still did the right thing at the end, and though I don't know why she's such a horn-dog she plunders Nikki, which is OK. They're horny bitches, enjoy it! Then meet for coffee and tell Shane your problems, she'll do your hair and fuck your girlfriend. Go Shane, go!
TASHA: 7/7
No change from last year. Another Chaiken cop-out for not taking a definable stand on the Don't Ask Don't Tell-related trial. What is most implausable is Tasha, who is still in her own proverbial closet, sacrificing her military career to be with someone so far out of the closet. But we can see how comfortable she is with friends on the street and as a cop how she will blend in. Hopefully next season the breakup will be swift and painless and Tasha will find a nice quiet but dominant mate. She's out there, Malibu is crawling with lezbots I bet.
TINA: 6/7
Though her preference this season was not at all in question I still think Tina is straight. Just a hunch. Points for putting up with mountains of insufferable behavior on all fronts and remaining pleasant and loyal. And hot boob on fake boob action.
ADELE: 6/7
For a while, she was my hero. As ludicrously as this character was concieved, it served to uproot Jenny from her perch of depraved excess and supplanted narcissistic giggling with faceless productivity. I would'nt go to Hollywood myself, but if I wanted to make MY MOVIE down the line, I'd do whatever it took to get A MOVIE done and play ball with the money men in the process. As Bret Michaels might say, "Life is a struggle against Mediocracy."
NIKKI: 4/9
We are confronted with the endless dilemma of Young Starlet vs. The System. It's sad to be so young and have choices taken from you, but once you sign the contract and take the money, that means you are a professional. You're getting paid. END OF STORY. Nikki breaks the rules and looks stupid and naieve in the process, but we all make mistakes, don't we? I'll chalk it up to harmless experimentation and an insightful statement of exploitation by Chaiken, who in the process, expands the exploitation of Nikki (perfect name) by giving her as many sex scenes as possible. Thanks!
CLEA: 9/9
Now here's a pleasant addition. Someone with talent and cute little accent. More please! One point likeability deduction for stealing somebody's woman. Bad girl!
Whatsernames: 0/1
So poorly written, concieved and performed as to not worthy of further elaboration.
Various Cast Members of Les Girls: 1/2
What is Chaiken trying to say by giving these "actresses" purposely wooden dialogue, excessively expositary summations, and no personality of their own? Is Chaiken saying that actors are not real people? Or does she feel that only her main characters ARE real people and the actors playing them are the only real actors in her mind?
Wait, it must be that it was a ham-handed way of making the faux-girls extra fake looking next to the real girls. But I heard no protest from the "real girls" at all. Some of them actually worked on the movie. Sell outs!!
So many questions, why bother, why not? Hmmm...
Is she biting the hand that feeds her as a way of feeling revolutionary? JIVE, I say, as I said JIVE many a time this season. I really felt like quitting this show prematurely. But as a premium cable program, it still has room to explore, if it can do so with a glimmer of realism, I hope it can recover and succeed in doing so.
